Fuck, I’m there again. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well; maybe this is the reason for this stupid feeling? I’m disgusted by IT, I want to vomit when I see code. When I think of all the imperfections, I become blocked and cannot create nor even do small fixes. My mind is elsewhere. Perhaps, since yesterday, in this very moment when I’m finalizing my currently most vivid wish—getting an electronic piano.

Just like in K., when I was figuring out how to redecorate my new apartment, I only think now about how to build a stand, where exactly I should place this piano; whether or not it will fit under my desk. Will I use it? Will I enjoy it? Will this enable me musically and broaden my comprehension? All this while singing Paul Desmond’s beautiful melodies in my head.

I want to do some proper music transcription. The piano will help with that, for sure. I just need to make sure I have the time and energy for this. And tenacity, most importantly. Perhaps I should resign from one (or both) of the tournaments. It’s such a nice feeling to know that they come to an end very soon. And there will probably be a summer break. I will get to remember the feeling what it’s like without them. Unless they start at Pik. But those are different anyway. I’ll be drinking & playing there, casual stuff.

Yesterday, when I was trying hard to fall asleep I imagined it’s already July. Gosh, it’s only a month, and I’m getting so inpatient. I don’t know, maybe it’s about the weather? Very similar to last year’s adventures of selling the house and the previous year—getting it. Maybe this is That Next Thing around the corner?

Out of Coffee

This will probably be the first day in a long while of me not getting a morning ritual done. I simply forgot about buying beans. Or maybe I miscalculated it? Anyway, I should leave earlier today and stop by at a shop to get them. I’ll also pick up those gardening tools I looked up over the weekend. Next Saturday I will finally cut the grass in the terrace. It’s huge (the grass)! It’s perfect then—I’ll get some physical exercise!

I keep telling myself, that I will start regular strength trainings once I get my kitchen done (you know, to be able to prepare some proper food/fuel). I want to build my body a bit, but I also want to do it for the sake of feeling healthier. Right now, I’m sitting most of the day and my back is starting to kill me. This will require some changes in my routines, but I’m willing to accept those. I will even welcome them if they make me less miserable.

The Bane of School

I just figured it right now: our school system must get it totally wrong. It kills all creativity, it doesn’t teach you real life. Every semester, you prepare for known scope, you get tested and forget all about it the day after. You follow a handbook. But there’s no handbook of life.

It would be so easy to live your life chapter by chapter of some script. Like I imagine learning the piano from a book will be. It is going to be easier that way than randomly hitting the keys. I guess, at least.

Anyway, back to that school thing, I don’t remember having felt even remotely similar back then when I was a student. I just knew what to do. Get some good marks, pass this and that exam, rinse and repeat. There were also those intermediate goals and finally, the ultimate one, being free to do whatever I want… Well, I’m through school and it’s not quite free to me.

My first few weeks of unemployment (or as I liked to brag about it: early retirement) were probably the closest I ever felt to free. But then the money issue came… Can I achieve such state again? Would I be able to sustain it? Perhaps only if I get enough cash for the rest of my life. But there is a certain risk, that even making that happen won’t help me and won’t cure the insanity in my head.

I should probably meditate more…

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