It seems I completely turned to night life mode. It’s pretty similar to the time back during the lock-down, when I played The Witcher all night in the dark (and sometimes even a couple of hours in the morning). Getting up when it’s starting to get dark… Well, that’s how it goes now. Am I fond of the last couple of days? Did I achieve anything worthy of mentioning here? I don’t know, really. At least I am alive.

Is this life worth living however? That vampiric, solitary, devoid of almost any pleasure vegetation. Eat, sleep, do a couple of exercises; Duolingo, DTG, bass guitar; round and round… Cook all the same food all the time, have some guilty snacks present at any moment in order to find a little bit of comfort in this dullness.

I’ll go to work tomorrow, and what is there waiting for me? Pressure from peers again? Being held off from the real deal by the manager? Small mistakes here and there? Probably yes, but why should I care? The only thing I am seriously considering now is going to the kirtan, because I sort of promised it to Mall. How sweet she is, goodness me! I can’t believe I was actually hitting up on her.

She Is Not Mal

Weird how things intertwingle sometimes. I’d never do such a thing, but I just felt the urge that one time and I wrote her a short message with a tongue-in-cheek. I can consider myself to be very lucky, because she did in fact refused the coffee, but proposed a meeting anyway, only different [with more people]. And I can only say I’m really glad she did that: I found a nice place and some nice people. It’s such a pity we can no longer meet in that apartment, but that’s how the outdoor kirtan came to live. She said it’s so transcendental. I’m gonna check it once, but I’m not quite sure whether it’s going to be my thing. First of all, there won’t be any bass playing.

Alright, the hell with it, but why the heck Mall Mall? Like mall in English? Mal in Spanish? That’s what I think when I see that. But in reality, she’s much more of a Buen Buen :) Such a lovely girl! Taken, it seems, but nevertheless, pretty charming. I think we bonded well, otherwise she wouldn’t hit me up with invitations all the time. She also complimented on my playing a lot. Once we even hit high-fives after a good concert. Yeah, I remember it quite vividly, it was partly because of B. I like playing with him so much, we definitely share the same energy and speak similar musical languages. Gosh, I miss them and that playing so much!

Unfortunately, there is a risk that with this thing again the time will come, that I will no longer gain any positive feedback from this, much like with billiards. I do get some adrenaline injections on occasions, but I’m not longing for it with all my power. I basically became nothing. I dissolved into nothingness. Nothing can satiate me. I love this fucking word, satiate. I’m insatiable. I’m worthless, goalless, clueless. I’m becoming a robot, a clockwork mechanism. Soon I will be no longer capable of holding any conversation, not even (or maybe especially) small talk. I feel like I lost it totally. OK, I know it’s a matter of practice, like with anything else, but still…

Alright, I’d better go to sleep now, cause it might be hard to get up tomorrow earlier than for the last few days. There’s plenty to do before work, and I hate being in a rush, right?

Posted in: bad-romance
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